Jonathan Jesper and Sammy Uyama Teach People How to Find Real Love
- Christine Flaherty
- Apr 25, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: Apr 15, 2023
Two men teach people how to recognize imitation love, so they can learn how to find real love in relationships.
The author of Real Love, Greg Baer, teaches people how to create stronger relationships by recognizing the difference between imitation love and real love. Two men who know each other through an international church reached out to Baer for personalized advice about how to receive real love. After reaching out, they started working with Baer to teach others in their community about real love. Jonathan Jesper continues to teach Real Love seminars in Las Vegas, Nevada, while Sammy Uyama, the director of High Noon in Seoul, Korea, continues to use what he learned in his daily life.
“Real love is doing something for someone without the need for anything in return,” Jesper said. “Imitation love is conditional, and we’re looking to get something.”
Jesper said if someone does something to get something back in return, then they did not give love to that person.
“When we look to get something, we can’t feel truly loved because even if the person freely gives love to us because we’re manipulating to get it, we don’t feel like it was a gift,” Jesper said.
Uyama said real love is actually just love. It is called real love because a counterfeit came about, which is called imitation love. Imitation love is not love, but it is often perceived as love.
“People will seek imitation love when they are not receiving real love from others,” Jesper said.
Jesper said the four forms of imitation love include pleasure, praise, power, and safety. He adds that people like a different combination of them.
“There are lots of forms of pleasure,” Uyama said. “There are noticeable vices like alcohol, food, sex, and excitement in general. The excitement of doing something new, doing something risky, or winning.”
The most common form of imitation love that people seek is praise, according to Jesper. People seek praise through what they buy, their accomplishments, their grades, or how they look.
“Praise might feel like you’re being lifted to the clouds, but the second someone criticizes you it feels like a dagger,” Jesper said.
Uyama said when people hear the word power they can instantly think of other people who seek it but struggle to see it within themselves.
“Control is a word that helped me see how it plays in my life,” Uyama said. “When you’re feeling powerless or out of control, then reactively, you want to regain a sense of control. An easy way to do that is to get angry.”
When looking back on his experiences, Uyama recalled an incident where he felt out of control.
“I was riding back on my bike. People were going to school and work. Some teenager in middle or high school, we were waiting at a crosswalk together,” Uyama said. “We were riding, and out of nowhere he’s making a turn left, and he goes right in front of me.”
Uyama said his front tire hit the boy’s back wheel. He did not fall over, although he wobbled. He slowed down to check on the boy and decided against yelling at him.
“Anger is such a go-to thing to get a feeling of domination. Some version of Sammy would’ve turned around and been like, hey what the hell were you thinking,” Uyama said.
“No purpose to it other than just being angry at him and the feeling of him cowering down.”
Uyama said when he first learned about the four forms of imitation love, he did not understand safety. He thought of safety as a state of being. However, Real Love taught him that safety referred to someone seeking comfort.
“They feel great, and they’re fully satisfying until they’re not. That’s the real trap of imitation love,” Uyama said.
Uyama used Doctor Strange as an example of someone who relied on praise to feel loved. He received praise for his accomplishments.
“Doctor Strange, successful surgeon, has magical hands, and then he gets into a car accident that completely immobilizes his finger dexterity. Now he can’t do the one thing that gave him so much fulfillment and satisfaction,” Uyama said.
Uyama said that Doctor Strange went through a dramatic version of what everyone experiences with imitation love. People rely on something just fulfilling enough that they do not look to find anything else.
“You have to stop the behaviors that are consistently hurting you,” Jesper said.
Jesper said people can find imitation love in their own lives by looking at the definition of an addiction.
“An addiction is something we need and can’t stop doing, but it’s not overall something good for us,” Jesper said.
Jesper said when someone wants to identify imitation love in their life, they should ask themselves this question.
“What are things you can’t stop but are overall making you worse,” Jesper asked.
Jesper said people understand when gambling, drugs, or alcohol become an addiction. However, people struggle to realize when they become addicted to receiving compliments, needing to look good, or accomplishments.
“When are you feeling annoyed, irritated, or discouraged,” Jesper asked. “Because if something is given unconditionally, we don’t feel those things, but if we're expecting something in return, and we don't get it, then we know we’re probably not doing it for the correct motivation.”
Uyama said people can not receive real love at home.
“If you were receiving it, you’d be peaceful,” Uyama said. “You would not have anxiety. You’d be quite happy, and feel it.”
Jonathan said to receive real love one must seek it through relationships with people outside of one’s home.
“We have to find those people that can be able to love us, and sometimes someone might be able to love us, and other times they may not be,” Jesper said. “The best is to find people who can truly love us all the time.”
Uyama said the process of feeling unconditional love from someone is, to tell the truth about yourself, feel seen, feel accepted, and then feel loved.
“You tell the truth about yourself just a little bit at a time to see if people are able to accept you,” said Jesper. “And if someone’s not, then talk about the weather.”
Jesper said people can only feel loved when they do not put on a mask. Then when someone accepts them, they will feel truly loved.
“You need to tell the truth about yourself to someone who can see you and accept you,” Uyama said. “Then you feel loved by that person.”
In Real Love, Baer told the story of The Wart King that found a wise man who could see the truth about the wart king and chose to love him unconditionally.
“There’s this wart king, with a very deformed face, warts all over him. He’s rejected by his father and even made fun of by the peasants. He walks around with a bag over his head because he’s so ashamed of his warts. He hears about this wise man that knows the secrets to happiness.”
Uyama said the wise man questioned the king about the bag on his head. The wise man ended up taking the bag off the king’s head.
“The wise man said to him, ‘You have warts on your face.’” Uyama said.
The king threatened to kill the wise man before fleeing and slipping down the hill into a stream. The wise man went to the king and helped him out of the water, reminding him that he could see the warts on his face. Then the king noticed the wise man also had warts on his face.
“The analogy of the story is that there’s a person that could see the faults of this king, but he just accepted him,” Uyama said.
Uyama said when someone feels real love, they must go through the process of telling the truth about themselves, feel seen, feel accepted, and feel loved.
